______________________________________________________________

Life gets yuck sometimes. It’s irrelevant to what extent you are a positive, glass half full type of personality or not, sometimes it just gets yuck.

There’s no fighting it. I believe that sometimes you just gotta sit with the feeling, ride it out, let the uncomfortable cloud of reality hover above your head for however long it takes to clear. Or piss down with rain. Either or.

Right now, my family and I are wading through a fair bit of yuck. Think riding an emotional roller coaster during an electrical storm. Without a safety guard.

girl underwater

For those who don’t me personally, or haven’t read this post, my brother Sam is currently in a coma following a motorcycle accident in December. He’s minimally conscious sometimes but vastly unresponsive. He’s making progress everyday though. Which is nothing sort of amazing. Thank you. 

But I feel like I’m missing a limb.

My brother is my backup, my main dude. Partner in crime. He’s always been there for me and I’m finding myself increasingly confused about who I am without him to bounce off. I’m losing that part of my identity that exists only between him and I; it feels like a part of me is broken.

I miss him with every molecule of my being. I want to call him up for advice, I want him to tell me to chill and that everything will be OK. I want to send him a funny text or give him shit about when is he EVER going to get a girlfriend.

We sit with him now and tell him about our day. We play him music, massage his head and hands, show him photos and videos and sometimes we might even get a smile.

Some days I think of how far he has already come, how strong he is and how proud I am. 

But some days, there’s no room for thinking. Or positive thoughts or affirmations. I want to scream at anyone who tells me to stay positive or look on the bright side. I’m sure you understand what I mean. It’s just yuck.

So how to stay in a loving space when yuck hits? How to find peace, reconnect and centre myself to ride out the yuck days?

______________________________________________________________

 A beautiful friend of mine suggested I repeat this mantra.

 I love Sam and he loves me.

 Over and over again.

 I love Sam and he loves me.

 On days I’m confused, angry and scared.

I love Sam and he loves me.

 On days I feel guilty for not visiting.

 I love Sam and he loves me.

 On days I cry the entire way to work.

 I love Sam and he loves me.

 On days he barely opens his eyes.

  I love Sam and he loves me.

On days I scroll through every photo of him on my phone, on Facebook, every message he’s ever sent me, every memory we have.

 I love Sam and he loves me.

______________________________________________________________

Life gets yuck. Sit with it. Journal. Meditate. Run 10km. Scream in your pillow. Do whatever you need to do. But don’t over think it.

Create a mantra. Bring love into it.

Because love is all there really is.

I love my brother and he loves me. Where in your yuck can you see and feel the love?

Find it, create your mantra and simply ride it out.

______________________________________________________________