I used to often say that I felt I had gotten through life relatively easy, by which I meant I had suffered no major loss, tragedy or death. My parents aren’t divorced, we never moved around, I was given the wooden spoon a few times but basically I’m one of the lucky ones who had a wonderful and supportive childhood.
I’ve stood alongside friends however who have tragically lost siblings and parents, who have suffered domestic violence, assault and family deterioration. I used to watch their lives fall apart and feel almost guilty because my life had always been relatively smooth sailing.
This time last year, I wrote down my biggest fears. Top of the list? That something would happen to a member of my family. For as long as I can remember, it has been a regular belief in my mind that if I suddenly lost my parents or one of my siblings, I would completely self destruct. In some weird way, I also kind of knew it was coming. Why? Not sure. Could be a mishmash of guilt, being the eldest and intuition, but it doesn’t really matter.
What has inspired this post? Well I recently had the pleasure of listening to Carrie Bickmore speak at the Bupa Health Blog Awards in Melbourne about the tragic loss of her late husband. Through tears and obvious pain, Carrie spoke about the way her life has changed. How every single moment counts; just baking muffins with her son is a miracle. How she doesn’t sweat the small stuff as much and just keeps going. But that it’s still really, really hard. The whole room was wiping away tears, tremendously moved and inspired by her courageous honesty.
Before we get started, you need to know that I love my life. I’m a big believer in positive thinking. I am happy. I am filled with gratitude, joy and wonder. I love sharing my passion to live a healthy, happy life with the world. I ain’t writing no pity party invites. But I also believe in honesty and authenticity. I believe we need to reach out when we need help or admit when we’re really struggling.
A close friend told me recently she felt I was using this blog as a distraction from what is really going on in my life. Maybe. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, as long as I’m not pretending on here that everything is all smiley-happy-puppies-and-unicorns all the time, because that’s just not the case.
This same friend was surprised when I completely lost my shit over the phone with her on the weekend. There were tears, swear words and let’s just say I got a lot of weird looks from people on the street. ‘But you told me you were the happiest you had ever been 3 months ago?’ she cried, ‘How was I to know you are hurting so much?’
And she was right. I haven’t been completely honest with her, with my friends, my family or with myself.
I’ve spoken about this briefly on the blog here, here and here but I’m ready to start talking about it more openly. I need to start talking about it more openly.
On the 16th December 2012 my brother Sam was involved in a motorcycle accident that left him in a long term coma with a catastrophic brain injury. You can learn more about the severity of his injury here but basically, 90% of people with this injury never regain consciousness and the 10% that do are often severely impaired. Even writing those words now makes me feel sick.
Everything changed in a moment. Life’s like that, y’know.
We were told that Sam would never open his eyes. We prepared ourselves that he would most likely spend the rest of his (what would be a reduced expectancy) life in a comatose state.
The first month is a blur. Hospitals, ICU, no sleep, phone calls, heartbreak, Christmas, guilt, hope, infection, tears, anguish, stress, laughter, uncertainty. I never knew you could actually wake up crying or what it’s like to have to force positivity or experience anxiety.
Sam spent approximately 3 months in a coma and is now a resident at Shenton Park Rehabilitation Centre in Perth. While he cannot currently speak or move his arms or legs, his awareness increases everyday and he is making incredibly progress in speech therapy, OT and physio. On the weekends we are able to bring him home or take him to the beach. Grateful.
He smiles, nods and shakes his head to communicate. He is starting to gain more movement in his hands. He’s kicking goals everyday and he certainly has not lost his sense of humour. He smiled at me recently, shaking his head, when I rocked up to the rehab hospital in my patterned yoga pants. I could almost hear him saying ‘But seriously, what are you wearing Claire?’
We are completely unsure as to what will happen in regards to Sam’s long term recovery, accommodation or what his or our lives will look like. But we have looked the devil in the eye and lived through our biggest fear, so what else could shake us? What else is there to be afraid of?
Really, we are only at the very beginning now. Delving into the confusing, mysterious world of brain injury. Learning to live with disability. And determination. Finding acceptance. Somehow. Loving my brother even more than I ever thought possible. Being the proudest big sister in the whole world every time he makes a gain in therapy. He spelt my name the other day using an alphabet board and a buzzer attached to his thumb. No words. I mean fuck, how many emotions can one person have when something like that happens?
There is so much more to say. This event has shaped my life, it has changed the way I perceive everything. But it’s still really, really hard. Living with my parent’s grief, devastation and loss alongside their strength, patience and compassion is a mind-fuck. It’s transformational.
I miss phone calls from my brother, I miss planning trips away with him, I just miss the sound of his voice. I miss his hugs, his random text messages, his ability to calm me down, his jokes, his farts, his shoulder to cry on. I’m torn between mourning him and the crazy joy I have when I’m with him now. My heart hurts when I think about how hard this must be for him. I’m sorry, I have to stop here on these thoughts.
This has been the hardest 7 months, 216 days, 5,184 hours I have ever lived through. But in that time, my perspective on life has completely transformed. I see everything differently now. This is life and it has it’s ups and it has it downs. You just keep going. Maybe I am the happiest I have ever been. Maybe I’m the most miserable. I don’t know. I think I’ve just found the simple joy of being alive.
“It has never failed that when I have been through the most heart-breaking passages of my life — betrayal, financial hardship, divorce, dreams dashed — the pain brought me to the floor of my being, and what was there to be found?: The simple joy of being alive. So cosmically basic it’s mind-blowing: the joy to be here, connected, animated, breathing, blessed, resilient, to be broken, to be open, to have what was, what’s left, what’s coming. The joy just to be part of reality.” – Danielle La Porte
I’m not trying to claim to have all the answers, hell I certainly do not. But I do want to share my story in the hope that it might give others strength, perspective and hope. And permission to ask for help, to tell people you are hurting, struggling and how you really, really bloody feel.
What I do know is this. When life changes forever you learn to appreciate every single day, hour, minute, moment, breath, pause, reflection, laugh, meal, conversation, experience, pain, joy, drive, walk, shower, kiss. Every hot chocolate, train trip, day at work, bill to pay, run in the rain, phone call, afternoon nap, rejection, email, glass of wine, movie date, pair of jeans and opportunity. Every YouTube video, argument, cafe breakfast, new friend, disappointment, picnic, cold morning, traffic jam, macaron and pay day.
You appreciate it all. Because this is life.
Claire! You are amazing! I’m working in oncology as a nurse here in Pertg and see people face such scary odds everyday! Been trying to find some kind of balance between how unfair life is sometimes and how i can help these beautiful people! Your words here are a comfort to me! Love xx
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the beautiful reminder to let go of all that shit and truly be happy and feel blessed in this moment. A big thank you. Sending big love to you and your family is all that I can say xx
Beautiful post x
My gorgeous lady.
You had me bawling! You are such a strong, amazing woman and I am seriously blessed to have you in my life.
Thank you for your inspiring, gorgeous words. Sending you big big love.
This is beautiful claire,
Thankyou for posting this. Big hugs, love and kisses xxx
Such a beautifully written post Claire, wishing your brother all the very best. Sounds like he’s making huge progress! It’s amazing the difference a loving, supportive family can do xx
This is a truly beautiful post. Thank you for being so brave and honest. Your whole family is amazing. Keep doing what you’re doing. I adore you sweet friend. xxx
Stay strong Claire x
Claire your beautiful family gives me joy in going to work…. I Love the purity in your writing its as if you are talking to me over a cuppa. Congrats on your well deserved award.
You are such a precious soul, Claire. And this is another beautiful, heartfelt post. You had me in tears. Thank-you for so openly and bravely sharing – there is true strength in vulnerability.
Sounds as though your brother is making remarkable progress! Your love and support for him is palpable. Sending you loads of love. xx
I want to say a massive thank you too, Claire. This was so beautiful to read – it seriously put everything into perspective for me. THANK YOU! And stay strong, lovely girl xx
Beautiful words, heartbreaking story. You are so strong Claire, a true inspiration. Can’t wait to give you a big cuddle tomorrow! Xxx lots of love to you, plus a giant load of love & healing energy to Sam xxx
Oh darling girl. What an amazing, raw, real, heartfelt spirit you are. You are so incredibly inspiring. Your story breaks and strengthens my heart in the same breath. I am so sorry for all that your brother and family are going through. Beyond words. Sam sounds like the most wonderful light in a world that can be dark but if we allow it can also offer so much sparkle and hope. Sending so much healing energy to him and all the love in the world to all of your hearts. Thinking of you, Sam and your family xxx
Such a beautiful reflection, I have no doubt your words will give others strength, perspective and hope. Sending love to you and your family xx
Thank you for sharing this with us. So beautifuly writen and so inspiring! Sending you lots of well wishes ur way ???? x.
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Your post just made me cry. And it made me determined to appreciate each and every small, beautiful moment. Sending oodles and oodles of love to you and your family
Wow Claire, wow! What a stunning and moving post, thank you so much for sharing and being so open. Sending you and your family lots of love hun, keep doing what you’re doing, it’s so very inspiring xxx
Wow so beautiful and touching Claire. I just read this at the perfect time for me. What a wonderful reminder of how precious life is and how much we have to be grateful for, even when things are challenging. Lots of love to you gorgeous girl love xxx
I love you Claire. You are so beautiful, strong and courageous. Thank you for being a huge inspiration in my life.
This was hard, but beautiful to read – you can feel you heart and tears in your words. Thank you for being so raw and reminding us that it’s ok to feel whatever it is we need to feel.
Xxxxxx
Thank you for bring you.
I’m new to your blog and instagram but you definitely inspire me.
I, unfortunately, do know what it’s like to lose a parent having lost my beautiful mother 11 years ago to cancer and recently my very first relationship between a man I care so much about ended.
I’m trying every day to be the person I can be and I have no doubt you are doing the same.
Please don’t be afraid to ask for help because as much as you can be someone’s shining light, it’s nice to know that you are in fact only human.
Every one has their downs it’s what you do next that defines who you are.
All my love and wishes to your brother, family & yourself.
And thank you for being you.
What a brave and honest post. Thank you for sharing Claire. X
Thank you Claire for sharing this open, honest post. I cannot even begin to imagine how it felt to write these words and then post it out to the blogosphere. I am sending all my strength and very best wishes to you, your family and your very brave brother. Keep smiling x
xo
So much love for you Claire. Your strength and your vulnerability will get you through anything in life. Be happy, be sad, be quiet or rage…expressing your truth is a beautiful way to heal.
Thank you for sharing and THANK YOU for reminding ME that it really is the simple things that make everyday what it is. We all need to slow down and smell those roses and be grateful for them. Wishing you and sending you love and strength xox
What a beautifully written post dear Claire. Sending you and your family love and positivity from London.
Claire, I’m not sure if you already have this information but it could possibly help.
http://www.barbaraarrowsmithyoung.com/
Look into a book called “the brain that changes” and also “the woman who changed her brain” and research neuroplasticity.
Barbara Arrowsmith Young is a lady who as a child had a severe learning disability and with incredible resilience, indepth research, hard work and the development of her own system, not only overcame it but is now travelling the world implementing her special way of learning for children with learning difficulties. What they now realise is that with the right stimulus to fire the parts of the brain that are damaged, new pathways in the brain can be opened up to compensate for the ones that are damaged. The brain is not a static finite muscle as was once believed. It has the ability to regenerate but must be given the right kind of exercise for this to occur.
I hope this is useful in some way or another.
Claire
You are a complete inspiration..I love the way you love..Your family your brother-your life..God Bless you all!
I was very touched by your post your honesty and courage..I always look forward to your love letters and your guidance..Your an angel!
I send lots of healing energy to your bro!!
Love and smiles
Sue x
Beautiful post Claire – I can relate. I’m so glad you’ve shared your story xx. Much love to you, Sam and your family.
Love Liz xx
Hey Claire,
Thanks so much for such a beautiful, heartfelt, honest account of your suffering and loss…. but also your celebration of life. I’ve had one of those years too where there has been huge times of grief and despair and wondering about sense and no sense.. all aching so intensely inside. But yes, each moment is precious, so precious and to keep going and keep hope is the key xxxxxxx (Your sister is my dvd/video lady here in Canberra, that’s how I found out about your blog 🙂 ) xxxx
Hey Alli! Thanks for commenting. That’s awesome you know my sis. 🙂 I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a challenging year as well but grateful to hear you’re still going and keeping the faith. You’re right – every little moment is precious xx
This was really beautifully written. Raw, honest and open. Thank you for being so vulnerable and opening yourself up. xx
Hi,
I just found your blog from a friend’s facebook post. Thank you for your honest writing. My brother died in an accident just over 2 years ago. I can relate to many of your thoughts & feelings. I look forward to reading more of you work.
Sending love to you and your family from Colorado, USA.
Mandi xoxo
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Hey Claire, I love your blog and just came across this post. I’m listening to a book called ‘The brain that changes itself’ by Norman Doidge. I’m finding it super interesting and very relevant to your story. I’d definitely recommend you check it out if you haven’t already! Davina x
Thank you Davina! I have had so many people recommend that to me.. I really need to read it. Thanks! x