I’ve been working way too much lately. It feels crappy. And I’ve felt too ashamed to tell you. Yes, I agree that the ‘glorification of busy’ isn’t healthy, but neither is the shame I’d developed by keeping it in the dark and slapping a ‘but I love my work so I can do it all day, every day’ tag on it, because I’m not buying it.
It’s been a big, beautiful and busy start to the year. Add to that a few Big Life Decisions and Unexpected Life Happenings (you’re a human being so you know the drill) and I woke up last week, looked at myself in the mirror and said: ‘Claire, you look like crap.’
I was exhausted. Dark circles under my eyes. Emotional. Dull skin. Holding a conversation was a strain and the thought of sitting down at my computer to work almost brought me to tears.
I champion exquisite self care all day long with my clients – I KNOW it is essential for our health and creative callings – yet I hadn’t been walking my talk.
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So I decided to take the day off. I had a juice with my girlfriends, a massage and some cupping and jumped into a mini ‘home retreat’ for a few days. (A quick and grateful nod to Life With Che’s ‘Journey Within’ home retreat here which guided me through this – I’ll talk more about it soon.)
I read fiction books, slept, drank cups of tea, slept, had wine at lunch, slept, Skyped and watched silly movies – and the trailer to the upcoming Magic Mike XXL more times than I’d like to admit…
It was all delicious. But then Saturday night, I found myself at home alone (a rare occurrence – I live with 4 boys!) and so I decided to turn some tunes on and make some art.
But I couldn’t find a paintbrush. This may not sound like a big deal, but to me it is. I always have paintbrushes in my house! That’s just me! But no, there was not one paintbrush to be found. And so I had a little moment…
Who the f*ck am I again?
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I realised that I’ve been diving so deep into the creative processes that my job demands (please let me express my infinite gratitude for this work here!) that I have been placing too much emphasis on ‘singular focus’ and long, painful hours in front of the computer. Which is completely counterintuitive to my natural flow; I tend to gravitate towards a more feminine approach of intuitive cycling between tasks, beautifying, collaborating and taking breaks.
However, as an entrepreneur and business owner, ‘work’ is certainly an area I am frequently forced to reassess and rejig; it’s so easy to fall into the more ‘logical’ masculine approach, but for me, it’s just not a sustainable energy.
And I’ve let slip so many of the creative desires I have OUTSIDE of my job!
Like painting. Op-shopping. Sewing and crafting. Beautifying. Collecting vintage teapots (seriously). Cutting old t-shirts into off-the-shoulder tops. Filling my house with flowers. Lighting candles. Framing travel photos. Cooking. Connecting. Exploring.
Basically, I’ve been hanging out in my ‘yang’ and my ‘yin’ is hollering for some love. Gala Darling know’s what’s up…
So The Exhaustion combined with The Paintbrush Incident, combined with my increasing obsession interest in the yin/yang lunar cycles, combined with the epic astrological show down that’s happening this week (a solar eclipse this Friday at a new moon plus this extraordinary cosmic arrangement) combined with a self-imposed soulful slap down (ie. Claire, you know better. Take care of yourself!) has resulted in a few questions being thrown around in my mind.
Here’s a few that you might find interesting and perhaps relevant to where you are at right now too:
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1. Who the f*ck am I again?
2. How can I trust this situation, without understanding it?
3. What if I did less?
4. What if the outcome doesn’t matter?
5. What if I’ve changed my mind?
6. What if my ideal creative flow isn’t singular focus – and that’s OK?
7. What if I charged more money?
8. What if procrastination isn’t always resistance?
9. If this is all just an opportunity for me to express myself, who do I want to be? (See question 1)
10. What if coffee/caffeine is taking me out of the feminine and into the masculine – too often?
11. How can I be more vulnerable and authentic, without publicly glorifying my vulnerability and authenticity?
12. How can I plan without expectation?
13. How can I devote further AND rest more?
14. Where can I create space?
15. Where am I being unrealistic?
16. How can I beautify my life?
17. What if I simply trusted?
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Right now, I’m loving my non-attachment to this: no story really here, just a gentle nudge to soften a little more. I know I’m figuring out what works for me. And just as importantly, what doesn’t.
First step: Buy a paintbrush.
I’d love for you to share today’s musings with your tribe – heaven knows we haven’t all got our shit together all of the time. It’s nice to remember that sometimes.
Claire x
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Hey lovely i Really love your Posts . You are just a human being . Even really good Coaches drift into such Situations. You’ve done the best dear. We are always learning 🙂 , take Out the gear and enjoy. Hughs and kisses plus sending some Energy to you love. Namaste nat xxxx
Hi Nat! Thanks for your lovely comment – yep, definitely a human being over here! Always learning, growing and evolving. Thanks for your hugs and kisses! Right back at you x
One word – tears.
More words – I feel all that you’ve written + more right now! & we’ll talk soon and you’ll know that I truly hear you and more. xx
Love you & what you’ve written today has come just at the right time, for me, right now…sending LOVE. Oodles of it…xx
There’s something in the air right now honey (literally) and I think we are ALL feeling it big time. Sending loads of love to you Katie 🙂 x
Oh honey! You are exquisite! I so love this. Funnily enough, your coffee question… today is day two for me without my daily cup, my head is pounding but I feel strangely soft! Not irritated, but in my body. So many of these questions I have asked myself this week, you beautiful kindred spirit! Love you x
It’s interesting isn’t it?? I know I definitely use caffeine to get me into that focussed, masculine ‘get it done’ mode, but it is far more draining in the end. It’s a beautiful experiment regardless to go without for a little while. Love you too my kindred spirit babe x
Great post Claire – I’ve been going through a very similar thing the last couple of weeks and I realised on the weekend that I had neglected my emotional wellbeing when i got totally overwhelmed trying to choose a wood finish for our new house haha! At my soul sister session almost all the girls had been experiencing similar imbalance so you’re certainly not alone! Here’s to more of that beautifully feminine being, creating, and nurturing xxx
So nice to see your name pop up here my love! You’ve been on my mind lately! Seems like we’re both in the ebb and flow of figuring out ‘the balance’ and recalibrating where needed. Your soul girls are bloody lucky to have such a divine, feminine leader. Big love x
Oh you. Wise, insightful, lovely Claire!I I really love how you’ve articulated this. I find when I go through similar situations, I am very harsh on myself for losing focus, or procrastinating. It’s so great you can see it objectively and without judgement. So much more growth that way! xx
I’m hearing you lady, it is just easy to slip into judgement! I’m certainly not immune to that. But the ‘What if…’ questions create so much more space for compassion and YES – growth. These moments really are just another opportunity for us to get to know ourselves (and our creative processes/prowess) a little bit better. x
I don’t think you can be more vulnerable and authentic as you are perfectly so. Love your work Claire X
Thank you Claire for this beautiful reminder.
I find myself at times pushing for the yin and the feminine and manic about being in the flow (counter intuitive much?!) I love your intention to soften – no story, no agenda. That sounds like a great big hug for your/my/our souls!
– with love –
Oh my gosh, I want you to be my best friend! 😉
HAHA!! Sure! 😉
Love this post Claire. You always know how to make me feel better about my own situation by being so refreshing, open and vulnerable to your tribe. I’ve definitely been feeling like this too, so your words resonated. Deeply. You’ve been so busy lately creating amazing stuff for us… but don’t forget to take care of yourself and create stuff for YOU too lovely xx
CLAIRE! This is phenomenal. I can totally feel the energy at the moment, it’s telling me to stop pushing so hard – so I’ve listened to it and retreated a bit.
Only by taking care of ourselves can we bring the best version of ourselves to relationships, blogs, our clients and life in general.
A little reset is a brilliant thing, as is your frankness and honesty about it. Wouldn’t expect anything less from you gorgeous. Sending HUGE hugs, love and fist pumps.
xx
That’s been me since going on Maternity Leave. I’ve been justifying it by saying ‘I have to get ahead before bub gets here’ and ‘now I can fix everything I have wanted to all year.’ On a few days I’ve burned out. I’ve slept. I’ve felt ‘lazy’ but like you said we glorify busy. Thanks for the reminder that what I am doing when I rest is actually what I need to do. This baby is coming and it needs me to rest and be present. Thanks lovely xxoo
Love your #11 babe xx
OH YEAH! It all becomes a little inauthentic when we begin with “This is a really vulnerable/authentic post today…” 😉
It triggers me – because I’ve been guilty plenty of times in the past!
I’d love to know more about yin/yang lunar cycles! Where can I find more info? I feel like it’s been a strange few months so wondering if that’s why?!
I’m currently doing Ezzie Spencer’s Lunar Abundance online program and loving it. You can find more out at http://www.lunarabundance.com/ 🙂
Also, http://www.astrostyle.com have great astrological readings by The Astro Twins and I’ll definitely be writing more about it all in the future 🙂 x
Ohhh Claire, I’m all goosebump-y and misty eyed, WHAT A POST.
This is something that I am always trying to be conscious off – and find it very easy to slip into the same place that you’ve mentioned here if I am not.
Bookmarking this post for next time that moment comes for me.
Big hugs to you, and please share your next painting once you get that paintbrush!
xo
Gee, I really love this Claire. It’s so beautiful to be able to let your heart shine through and to post something so honest. This is what makes you amazing, is that you share it all with us 🙂 One of the most important things, I think, is to be real about our experiences, even if we’re a totally rad blogger and health/biz coach 😉 Kudos to you darling girl xx
Hey Claire
You know whats cool about this blog post, its like your little piece of self therapy to keep you accountable to you, and that is a great thing. It also helps all the readers go “ahh” and “oooh” when they relate.
PS the moon has had everyone on edge this last three weeks, big astronomical things have been shifting.
x
Hey chika! Good on you for recognising the signs and taking some time out for yourself (virtual high five and hug comin’ at ya!). I’m very happy to hear that Journey Within was a part of your self care too. Did you get yourself you paintbrush?! Hope so. Much love. XXX
It’s such a beautiful program you’ve created babe! Have been raving about it to friends and I’m still going back to the content. So so good. x
And no, not yet!!! But this weekend, the art store and I have a date 😀 x
Great post Claire, thanks for sharing! Can totally relate to these feelings and yes you’re so right to be taking time out for you, to get some space and relaxation without guilt. It’s amazing how when we take this time out for ourselves it not only rejuvenates us but also we realise that nothing ‘bad’ happened while we took the time out.
Happy painting :0)
cx
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Oh Claire!! This is brilliant. All the signs are pointing in this direction for me too and even though my big ole left brain wants me to keep pushing, I know it’s time to stop, reflect and surrender xxx
This:
11. How can I be more vulnerable and authentic, without publicly glorifying my vulnerability and authenticity?
Fuck yes. More of these types of contemplations please
Hey Claire,
It’s really interesting to me that you’ve experienced this around the time of that solar eclipse and new moon. I was feeling pretty good for most of February and March, until that week, when it felt as though I fell into an anxiety pit. It felt as though perhaps the Universe was speeding me through several months’ worth of therapy. I realised that I had been putting off having fun, because I felt I wasn’t worthy. Yes, my friend made me repeat that sentence four times before I could hear what I had said…and how absurd it was. So my new intention is to have fun every single day! Similar to the wonderful list that you mentioned. I often find that journey-changing experiences like these are mirrored in my friends’ lives too. Just as many before me have noted here. Thank you for writing about this! xx
My goodness Claire- this post is PHENOMENAL!
“2. How can I trust this situation, without understanding it?”- oh dear, you’ve just managed to tell me what I couldn’t tell myself.
Thank you so, so much beautiful- wow! xxx
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